Yesterday, i cried while riding on my bike on my way back to KL.
Same as any other weekend since i got Abang Jebat (read: Modenas GT128), this weekend too i balek kampung. Departing from my house at 530 that evening, so i was riding through some kampung at Kuala Pilah when it hit me. I dunno what make me felt so ‘sayu’ yesterday.Perhaps it’s because of the sunset or maybe that i felt so lonely, alone on my bike. I don’t really care who saw me say what. Tears just leaked from my eyes. Streams of hot liquid silently flowed down my chin.
“Ya Allah..Kuatkan hati aku..” I gritted my teeth, forcing the tears to subside. Forcing the ‘sayuness’ back into the depth of my heart where it belongs.
There’s cars lining ahead of me, on either side of the road some kampung folks was minding their own bussiness, some sweeping/tending their lawn, some burning mounds of leaves that has just being raked up, some just having a chat,sitting on a wooden bench under a shady tree and further up,on the side of the roads kids running (home).
And there i was on my bike, crying for no apparent reason. I always had this feeling of sayuness during the period of after asar untill maghrib (whatisit called) since i can remember. Usually the feeling becomes more pronounced when i was travelling, far from home, far from family, far from friends. But from last year since Kak Hani’s back from Sydney and stay at my place to finish her write up, i havent been to a long journey without company. When i started to feel that sayuness is creeping in, i’m often comforted by her just being there beside me, sleeping (bus ride) or driving (car ride). So for almost a year and a half, i forgot that i had this syndrome.
Yesterday, when i first catch it, it was while i was watching (glimpsing2 la kot..was riding a bike kan masa tuh) the sunset and then i realize that there’s no one with me. I’m all alone despite surrounded by people, front, back left and right. There’s no Kak Hani who would turn and smile when i requested it from her. There’s no Mak, Ayah, Fitri or Oit with me. And i cried. all through the que from Tanjung Ipoh to Bukit Putus. By the time i was entering the Bukit Putus Area, it was already dark and i am busy with all the prayers that no-one /nothing decide to ‘tumpang’ my ride.
Then after a few KM on the PLUS highway,after all those chaos from Tol Senawang to Tol Seremban, i’m back to thinking, why the hell that i cried..hahaha..perhaps its nightime, the ‘sayu’ feeling has gone. Then i was
“Yaloh..only at that time,with that condition..so..conclusionnyer”
I will not travelled alone during that time,so far away from home.
Perhaps i should get married, so i would have someone whose mine (I would really go for an orphan guy. So hari raya at my place all the time….hahahahaha)..But then again, Jodoh is not at my hand.
So for now, i guess when that times comes, i will nangis ja la all i want coz by night time, i’ll be ok.
I will always ask from Allah for strength.
p/s: I have nothing to justify my request and I have no right to ask it from you (i know you read my blog) but i hope that you let me share something that is yours for you have it in abundance. Just look around you. Why wouldn’t you share, why are you keeping whats yours only to yourself even when you have lots of it. If you have no idea how helpless it felt that you are at people’s mercy for something you need really bad but have not right for it, I can only pray to Allah that you will soon understand that. And this girl full of “alasan” will never ‘jejakkan kaki’ in front of your doorstep again until things change. Not that i was so welcome in the first place pun kan.