When you dont need to…

ask "dimana saya dihati kamu?"

when there’s no doubt in your heart,in your mind that you truly belong and your place in their life is clear.There’s just no need for you to ask such question with the real need to hear the answer.hehe.i figured it out recently.(itupun setelah kene brainwash)

I want to know that I’m loved.
I am insecure.Yes.I admit it.I need to be constantly reminded that i am loved,by everyone in any relationship i’m in.It is just me.And i honestly hate that part in me.I don’t know when did i start being that,but i can say for sure that when i was growing up,i never need for such emotional support,i can survive on my own.Seriously,I dun have that many friends.Up untill now.But those friends i keep,was among those who in my opinion will accept me as i am.And yes,i got a few who did accept me for who i am but thats just that.They just accept me.I love the word "accept" or "accepting" for it describe the relationship wonderfully.They’re just there to accept me,and i was just there to accept whatever they provide me.When there’s nothing to give and nothing to accept,there’s nothing.

When works/study becomes more demanding,you will only get to hear bout each other when there’s free time.Like the friendship  become some sort of hobby for them.Well,not for me.Friendship is a serious business.But do take notice i dont require you to become obsess with me or my friendship.I just don’t want to be some sort of "Setem Hari Pertama" or "limited edition" toy that you collect and put up on  shelves for show.

Mean what you say.
People say Im a sweet talker when i want to.Yes,i admit it.But with that i carry a huge burden of proving what i say is just no mere sweet words but empty promises.Ill try to do what i say.When i say I’m sorry i didn’t say it every time.I will say it just that one time when i feel the need to apologized.Lots of people make it to apologized when they finished congregation prayer.."i’m sorry..i’m sorry" it becomes some sort of rituals and no longer carries a significant meaning.There’s less sincerity in that,and i always avoid this parade of "oh-I’m-following-Sunnah" type of action every chance that i get.Akan tetapi i was being constantly reminded that bersangka baik lah.org yg meminta maaf tuh memang niat hati suci murni dia nak mintak maaf.

Then we go to the premise of ‘Husnuzon’ iaitu bersangka baik or believing in the good intention of others.(lari topik jap)Well, i learn a great lesson myself from one of my Kakak(Kak Own) on one incident where i was the one doing the publication work of Sambutan Maulidur Rasul and fail to include one of the names of the volunteer in the end credit.A name of somebody who i judge by appearances agak banyak amal ibadat dan lengkap solatnya.So i take a stance of not to print another batch of program book just to include this person name with a reason that this person wouldnt care much about the inclusion of her name in it and back that reason up with the concept of Husnuzon.Well,this sister(Kak Own) candidly replied "Mana boleh applykan konsep hanya apabila ia memudahkan kerja awak(on which i takyah nak print another batch)"..huhu..and,yeah,kak own turn out to be correct about the importance of complete name list just a few hours after that,when i did get a complain from empunya diri…at first i did do it again(grudgingly..heheh)…"ler rupanya,penting gak bg sesetengah org utk namanya diketahui melakukan kerja2 volunteer nih"..but then i realized as those simple replied from Kak Own did resonate through my mind for quite sometimes,konsep2 mcm nih memang takleh nak applykan ikut keadaan yg kita rasa penting jer,takut kita nih sebenarnya sedang menegakkan konsep murni Islam ker or supaya action kita(yg dibuat ikut judgment kita sendiri) nampak sbg murni berlandas konsep Islam dgn meletakkan beberapa term dari Bahasa Arab.Bersihkan niat.Bersihkan Niat.

Anyway,back to the topic of mean what you say,as i mean what i say,i normally believe that whatever said to me are true.But now,as i constantly get disappointed by empty promises earlier,Its harder for me to become less skeptic to those things said to me.I doubt your words.Not that i doubt you,but it some kind of self preservation thing.I want to have high hopes and get disappointed.again and again.

Bukan Diriku
When i decide thats the end of it.Thats the end.I’m been notorious for my problem of letting go,but i don’t know,since i manage to let go of someone i believe the hardest to let go,it easier now to let go of anyone.For those who has been given countless chance to prove your words and yet again succeed in disappointing me,i hold no guilt in disowning you.Not that you are in anyway not a good person,its just that,it was never meant to be.And i believe everyone will be at their greatest potential at these things with particular somebody where you mean what you say without even trying to be abide by those sweet words you said to them.i finally except it,that i am not that person.Go and be the best person you ought to be with someone who can make you as such.Thanks for those wonderful and memorable time we shared together.This is where our life diverge from the path we once walk together.Goodbye Farewell.All the best for the journey up ahead.May Allah guide us to Him.


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