Saya sedang bercinta?

ngahaha…usikan kak nani pagi semalam asek terngiang-ngiang kat telinga aku.

"kak nani tgk ko nih lain mcm jer semenjak dua menjak nih?"

just after kak laili komen on me being well dressed("amboih,semartnyer!")<–pakai vest dgn kemeja ala preppy

"what?maksud kak nani,apsal i selalu melawa jer,tgh bercinter ker?" aku tanya dier balek..

"ha’ah" kak nani jawab.

"bercinta?tak kot.malas nak fikir2 lagi bab tu.saya muda lagi kot"<–ayat tipikal mengelak soklan2 seiring dgnnya..

hahahaha..entahlah aper nak jaik ngan ko nih Marlina..

Aritu tgk greys anatomy(senang terpengaruh dgn citer kat tv ni)…bila Izzi cam mengeluarkan kata2 yg sgt menusuk kalbu kat Yang’s bachelor party yg -dush dush-setepek!

"You have that thing everybody else want.You can take it for granted,but lemme tell you if you didn’t,if you couldn’t be with the person you love,i guarantee that,hearing him promise you and love you and honour you and cherish you,no matter what.It will be pretty much what you can think about"

hmmm..pasal jatuh kata takleh nak buat aper..dah terjatuh,bukan sajer2..ader jugak pendapat yg mengatakan,ader pada satu saat yg kita tanya balek hati,nak teruskan,ke nak resist this temptation…i pun tak tahu mana betul… for me,when the temptation is weak,you sort of,
"tader paper,tader paper"
when the temptation is very high,
"God,i have to do something about this" holding to contain the rush of emotion  much as you can,so you wouldn’t fall..
While reconciling it with yourself asking and asking questions to your own heart..
"what is this,what is this feeling?" ask me
"i dunno…i dunno..i’m not sure..please i’m confuse" me answered..

not until i tripped and fall from the edge or being gently push by simple words of 
"i want you" even with no serius meaning from the other party

than i know it is love beating in my heart,not anything else..but,boy,its too late..
and there i was free falling without parachute..its wonderful i tell you having the gush of air whipping my face,hair,body,…

then having the other party said "i think i’m close to ‘falling’ too"…the other part of me suddenly grew wings and i am pretty much airnborne for a while..but the other part of me said "oh,shit..this got to be the trickiest test ever"

which way should i go..yg indah didepan mata,memang lama diidam..namun itu tidak kekal abadi..jalan benar yg  terbentang sgt2 menyakitkan…somehow,those few lesson i learn form past experiences and being with those ‘angels’ whispering the encouragement to strive for the real thing,yg kekal,yang lebeh indah,tapi dengan sedikit pengorbanan sekarang..and i imagine,the wings will eventually grew tired and i refuse to fly with that wings..i choose to fall to the bottom and start climbing up the wall,to be where i was before i fall

so i said things like

If i know when i’ll die,i’ll just do whatever in my mind right now
Even i cannot give you true love,so i bring you to one.

that didn’t really help,

so i do some cruel things

i said some cruel words

when emotions being so hard to contained,at one point i give in..alhamdulillah by this time,the msg i’m trying to get accross dah sampai ke matlamatnya…i’ve burned the bridge,no crossing back

I took alot of time-out,being alone,thinking about action and consequences sejak kebelakangan ini.Eventhough,my niat and action berubah-rubah sepanjang proses itu,but alhamdulillah,in the end,it was just like i intend it to be the first time i decide to do something about it.

there’s  thoughts yang menguatkan tekad aku yang mana sehingga kehari ini keep my aim clean and clear,sajer nak bagitau,
aku orangnya yg buat sesuatu ikut gerak hati,if there’s choices to make,i will pause kejap and i will kinda..hmmm…"Allah,point me" and i’ll follow the choice yg terlintas kejap tu..
If i continue in doing what i want,i’ll probably lose that decision making tool.
then i terfikir,biler exam,biler dah duduk dlm dewan tu,i’ll pause and say "Allah,i have done as much as i can,just help me with my test"
and i imagine i cannot do that anymore,if i continue in doing what i want..and i cannot ask it for you too
then biler you saket,if i continue to do what i want,would i feel Allah’s help while i’m betraying His care?

so i choose to not doing what i want to do,but it doesn’t mean i hate you.i just cannot do what i want to do.

ye,aku sedang bercinta.belajar bercinta dengan setulusnya.kerana aku bukan milik mutlak diriku.dan aku tak pernah mungkin akan kembali atau berura-ura untuk kembali,kerana berjauhan adalah cara aku sayang kamu.dan kalo sudah rezeki,bertemu kita didaerah yg abadi,dgn izin dan ihsanNya.Ameen.


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