who am i,again?..entry untuk a friend of a friend

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disclaimer:entry nih berbaur emosi tak best..i’m pissed off..so kalo tamo geram after reading,jgn bacer..

aku pon tak tau,aku ni
budak jahat yg pengecut nak jadik jahat sepenohnyer
or
budak baik yg lemah nak jadik baik sebaik-baiknya

..who am i?

tapi sepanjang-panjang hidup aku,aku tak pernah berpura-pura supaya dianggap baik..so,kepala aku agak terganggu dgn komen seseorang yg aku nih berpura-pura sebegitu..
aku banyak la jugak ‘berlakon’ memainkan watak..
ader jugak keinginan supaya org anggap aku nih baek,
tapi never the two things together in one action..

raser nak pijak pun ader kepada empunya mulut/tangan..naseb baek jauh..hahaha..joking..but i wonder,aper la agaknya yg this dear friend of mine tell that friend about me,sehingga dier bleh sampai kepada judgement yg mcm tuh..but i have a feeling,that maybe dier sendiri yg jump into conclusion..i don’t know…huhuhu..

i think i need to make something clear here to si empunya molot/tangan.
I’m inconsistent or not persistant in pursuing my chosen aim on the matter on which you first getting to know me.Not that i’m providing an excuse here,but those things i have to do,the right thing to do,go directly against what my dearest desire.What i want is against what i should do.So,any one time,i’m inclined to one side more than the other.BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I BERPURA-PURA BAIK.ACTUALLY,I’M TRYING VERY HARD TO BE BAIK SINCE I’M NOT AS BAIK AS YOU.
i admit i have the major flaw in my heart/my self/my head and i realized it.but do you think it is such a good idea telling the whole world of that major flaw in the name of being honest-sehonestnyer.many will agree,that is stupidity.Giving the circurmstances,i only felt responsible/ethically right to provide every single details needed by the affected side so that both parties know the situation..

kalo saya nih jahat dan berpura-pura baik,you don’t even know that i’m jahat in the first place…kan?  the  other party know the jahat part of me,when i  bring it to their attention..would org yg berpura-pura baik akan memecahkan tembelang sendiri?use your common sense.

semakin aku tulis semakin aku saket hati..nak tau apsal,bender nih memang menyakitkan hati..yg sorang tuh pun aku raser nak pijak2 jugak..haha..tapi yg nih pijak2 sayang la..ahaks..

kalolah aku nih penjahat bertopeng,tentu aku maseh meneruskan semuanya seperti biasa,mengambil kesempatan,melayan dan dilayan..instead,the first step i took is to tell.sorry,i didn’t tell you.wait,why didn’t i tell you and the whole world? oh yeah,you’re not the one affected..

pasal berlakon tuh pulak,ye sayer mmg banyak berlakon sejak dua menjak nih..berlakon ceria,happy,tak kesah….pastu berlakon sbg insensitive bastard,e.g say "dah dah,tak payah la nak nangis2 menyesali diri" kpd org yg close at heart biler dier sincerely appologized..berlakon sbg unstable insecure controlling freak pun yer..(hehe..maybe yg nih, partly real)

saya tak pernah berlakon ke surau supaya org kater sayer baek,saya tak pernah berlakon menitiskan airmata biler terbaca ayat2 yg menyentuh hati..saya tak pernah berlakon baik dgn menulis bender2 ttg Islam dlm yahoo 360 atau fotopages..itu bukan lakonan..itu saya sewaktu saya kuat,itu saya sewaktu saya rasa aman..sekarang,saya tak tahu siapa saya,yg pastinya,saya tak sekuat dulu.

One last thing for sure,i’m writing this to do justice to the part of me who work so hard going through all of these.This extreme effort musn’t go unnoticed or worst,condemned by ignorant ranting rambling person like you..as a berpura-pura baik stuff..

Before this,i never answer to any bad things ppl wrote about me which is unfairly biased to their side as if they know EVERYTHING.This is the start of me accepting and appreaciating myself and what i do,implicitly and explicitly so.

Thank you.

and yes,this makes us nothing comparable.

i’m me and you’re you.i have better things to do than going backward in my self development.

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